How To Get Rough in Bed the Way She Secretly Wants — Even If She Seems Like a “Good Girl”…
Choking during sex may be something of an unknown to you, something that can even be a little bit daunting just at the thought.
Well, it’s an important thing to be able to do if your partner finds it enjoyable and wants you to be able to do it for her.
There are a lot of key factors we’re going to cover here, but know that choking is actually a part of a larger concept called sexual dominance.
I've written about sexual dominance before, so if you don't have the basics down yet, that's a good place to start.
But today I want to get a little more specific — I want to write about sexual choking.
Can Any Guy Experiment With Choking During Sex?
To start off, choking during sex is not for everybody.
In a Women’s Health Twitter poll of nearly 1,500 followers, 57 percent said they weren't into choking during sex. On the flipside, 32 percent have tried it and a majority were fans. It was also revealed that 65 percent of women enjoy being dominated sexually and that having a sexual kink is actually pretty common.
On top of that, for the people who are into choking, it’s generally not an all-the-time kind of thing.
It’s an exciting way to bring another level of excitement to sex, but that doesn’t mean it applies to every time that you’re having sex.
However, it is a popular thing.
The problem is, not a lot of people know that their partner may be into it, and they may not know how to properly implement it during sex.
I get this question all the time from men:
“Why does my girlfriend, or this chick that I hooked up with, why does she want to be choked?”
So let’s talk about it. Consider this Choking 101.
(Interested in giving a woman a super-intense orgasm without choking her? Check this out.)
Choking 101: Getting Into the “Right” Mindset (Are You Going to Hurt Her?)
For a lot of guys, this may be something that’s considered weird or an unknown at best.
Choking usually is associated with that negative feeling of pain.
You might wonder, “Why would someone actively chase after pain?”
I’ll hop into the “why” in a second, but if that question above is something you found yourself nodding your head at, you need to start with getting your mind right.
This is also where I’ll reiterate that you should go back and check out my article and video about sexual dominance, as this is a major part of the first key.
That key, for those of you already up to speed, is “Approval.”
You need to realign your mindset to be open to things you’d otherwise shy away from.
While you shouldn’t go nodding your head to every little thing that your partner is shouting in bed, you do need to understand what she finds value in sexually.
You’ve gotten your mind right, now let’s talk about why.
Why Choking Turns Her On…
I just mentioned understanding the things she values sexually, so let’s explore why choking is such a turn on for many.
Sex therapist, Christine Milrod Ph.D reveals, “Having a man’s hands around your neck plays into the fantasy of being taken, also known as ravishment,”.
Ultimately, it comes down to the sensation, which should be a given.
But this kind of sensation is so much different that indulging in your favorite dessert or even rocking, regular sex.
Think about your favorite roller coaster.
If you don’t have one or don’t care for them, think about why other people love them.
Roller coasters are ultimately about the thrill, but every thrill enthusiast chases the little taste of danger that’s found in the activity that they’re participating in.
“Is it safe to be this high?”
“There’s no way anybody is in control of what’s happening at this speed…”
The thing with pain and why it’s so awesome in sexual situations is that danger forces you to pay attention to everything that you’re experiencing.
How Pain Intensifies Her Pleasure During Sex…
Pleasure is nice, and it’s the name of the game for the most part, but pain brings a whole new level to the experience of sex.
You can touch your partner’s leg or you can run your fingers through her hair and she’ll enjoy those acts… but she could easily be thinking about her job, or her taxes, or some text that she wants to respond to.
It’s nothing against your effort, but the human mind will travel; it’s natural.
But compare that to a slap on the butt or pulling her hair. It would be almost impossible for her to focus on anything else than that immediate sensation she just experienced at your hand.
Pulling hair or giving a light slap are great assets to use during sex, but both are quick sensations that come to an end relatively quickly.
Can Choking Lead to More Rough Sex Acts?
You may be seeing where I’m going here.
Choking is a sensation that cannot be matched during sex (if she’s into it) because there’s a kind of permanence to its existence.
It's simple: Because it doesn’t let up until you choose to do so.
I'll dive into the levels and times you should be applying a grip in a sec, but know that that’s where her pleasure is coming from.
You heighten her senses to sex by putting her in a honed sense of focus to all other things that are happening to her.
This is honed because of the sense of danger that the choking is bringing.
For a woman being choked, it brings a sense of vulnerability.
To be at the hands of someone who could choose to go further with it may bring a headrush that isn’t just brought on by the lack of oxygen.
This, of course, is just a level of roleplay that her brain may travel to. It can be fun for her to think of herself at your mercy while also understanding that you're in a safe space.
And yeah, choking can lead to more rough sex acts. But obviously you want to make sure she's cool with them before going “whole hog”… so here's the easiest way to try some new rough moves in bed she's going to absolutely love…
The “Bedroom Secret” She Needs to See Before You Choke Her…
So if choking is a thing that she’s into or interested in trying, make sure that you’re hosting a welcoming environment for that activity.
Here I'll remind you of the second key to understanding sexual dominance, which is “listening.”
Of course, I'm going to talk much more about listening as a concept later, but here it’s important to listen to verbal and physical signs that this may be something that she’s into.
For many, laying their cards out on the table before actually engaging in sex is unheard of, which is fair.
I don’t imagine a lot of couples who just met that night are going down a checklist of things they’d like to do during the sex that they’re about to have. Seems silly, right?
So how do you figure out if she's into sexual choking?
How To Figure Out if Choking Is Her Thing…
So you may not have had a chance to find out if being choked is a thing that she’s into.
Believe me, if she is, she’ll be giving off signs, some of which will be pretty obvious.
Let’s start with the most smack-in-the-head way she could let you know:
If you two are going at it and she’s literally saying the words, “Choke me,” or any variation thereof, chances are she’s wanting to be choked.
These aren't just fun words she’s saying to be zany. Follow the carrot.
A less obvious sign is if she’s grabbing your hand and moving it up toward her throat.
Some girls grab the back of their hair or neck. This is another clue that she wants you to do that too…
She may not say what she wants, but follow the movements of her body…
Don’t consider this as her repositioning you for security. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
Play off of these cues and don’t cower away from them.
If you don’t know how to proceed, we’ll show you how.
The “Choking Experiment” to Feel Out Her Secret BDSM Desires…
A good experiment to try before really diving into choking is to think about your own body’s reaction to things. Let’s start simple.
Imagine your butt in a chair right now.
You could have been sitting for five hours or five minutes. Until you thought about the fact that your butt is making contact with something else, you didn't acknowledge that simple fact.
Another good example is the ringing sound that you can tone out until you begin to think about it. And then it’s the only thing you can think of.
Sorry about that. 🙂
In sex, the more present you are, the more enjoyable it’s going to be for everyone involved.
I hear this all the time from women talking about their men, “ I want him to be more present in bed.”
But how exactly do you do that?
How To Be Present While You’re Choking Her for Peak Sexual Pleasure
It’s really not a big ask. That sexual presence allows for both people to feel more and to achieve more.
So make sure that you’re present in the act of choking, as you’ll be the conduit for her sensations that come from it.
Like the butt in the chair, be aware of your hands and what you’re doing.
But Won’t She Eventually Pass Out?
Of course, if you do this for long, she can lose consciousness. This is not the goal at all.
Nobody’s looking for that sense of danger to hit a point where you realize it may be actual danger.
The act of putting pressure on the carotid arteries will give her face a sense of fullness and flush color, so use these as your checkpoints that she’s still present.
Aim for shorter bursts of pressure at first. Maybe a couple seconds, then release.
The other option you could try with your partner is actually the safer option of the two.
The back of the neck is completely separate from the throat, meaning that it doesn’t have a huge impact on her breathing if you were to grab her neck from the back.
It does have some impact, though. Let me show you what I mean.
Will She Have Bruises Afterward?
If you choke her properly, she won't have bruises afterward.
But I know what you're thinking: “Yeah, right…”
The cluster of muscles in the back of the neck is one of the strongest groupings of muscles in the body.
It’s the connecting highway of the spine and skull to the muscles on your back. It’s a tough area.
If you’re not comfortable or just not ready to induce actual choking on your partner, the back of the neck is a good compromise.
To grab behind her neck can give her a sense of danger, as it’s so close to her throat without having to actually choke her from the front.
Even if you squeeze the back of her neck to the point where it hurts, you’re not going to damage anything.
You could grab the back of her neck and squeeze while also putting your other hand around her throat. sort of like making a full loop around her neck.
This will stimulate your partner just fine and raise her senses to what’s happening around her.
You can watch me demonstrate this technique with my lovely friend Julia in the video above…
How To Know Your Limits (& Hers) So Nobody Gets Hurt
I’ve mentioned it in the past sections, but safety really needs to be reiterated. Not only for the obvious safety reasons, but also for your partner’s experience and her connection with you.
From a woman’s perspective, the act of choking is very much about the danger element.
It's also about still feeling safe within that environment.
I’ve talked about setting an environment that’s welcoming of choking during sex. But it also has to feel safe too.
This isn’t about real danger, remember that. You just want to put her into a mindset that she’s aware of the potential for danger.
Everybody loves potential danger, just not real danger.
So how can you walk that fine line between sexual “danger” and real danger?
The Art of Walking the Line Between Sexual “Danger” & Real Danger…
One of the ways that you can fully understand limits and push her to an enjoyable level is pretty simple:
Listening to your partner got you in the door, into the bedroom, into the act of choking for sexual pleasure, so there’s no reason you should turn off your ears and your eyes now.
The most blatant way to make sure that things are going well is to make sure that fullness in her face that we talked about earlier is at a healthy level.
Her color should be flush, but not too much.
You should be able to fully see the whites of her eyes as well.
These signs will be there for you to pick up on, but if they’re not as clear to you as you expected, it may be time to start using verbal communication.
While you may not have gone over your limits and wants before engaging in sex, there’s nothing to say that you can’t communicate those things while the sex is occurring.
Ask her how the pressure feels and gauge her willingness to continue.
We’ve said time and time again, the act of choking is about raising levels of pleasure while also heightening her focus.
She’s going to be able to give you a good sense of how things are going.
The Strange Sexual Secret Most Women Are Too Afraid To Admit…
Make sure to listen and react accordingly.
“That’s too much” is your immediate sign to pull back or off entirely.
So is “Let go!”
There’s going to be a bit of trial and error before you understand the right levels of intensity that she’s looking for.
In the same vein, you don’t want opportunities to go unseized.
Let me tell you a quick story.
As I was writing this, I was talking to someone I’m sleeping with who gave me some insight that I should have been asking about more actively.
On the topic of choking during sex, she mentioned, “Oh, I can actually handle way more pressure than you’ve been putting on my throat.”
I had no idea! Why wasn’t I asking her?
There’s a lot to be said here.
I was doing right by playing it safe, always wanting to aim for less than more. But at the same time, I wasn’t fulfilling her by applying enough pressure.
These are things I should have been asking about either during sex or after.
How To Ask Her if It’s “Too Much”
Learn from my experience. Open up this line of communication and find out how much pressure she wants on her neck.
Remember to ask if this is too much, ask if it’s too little, but most importantly, remember to ask if it’s something she’s even into in the first place.
If those physical signs aren’t there, just ask.
You have no idea what her levels of pain are and you may not have an idea of her levels of comfort.
They’re there, you just have to get to them.
Feeling safe while also feeling a bit of danger is a fine line in and of itself.
Pushing a woman’s limit, but doing it in a way that feels safe is a hell of a concept, I know.
As with so many aspects of a relationship or any sexual encounter, it’s about communicating.
Keep an open line and nothing can go wrong.
Another thing to note is that the act of choking during sex is but a small piece of a larger puzzle.
(Alright, maybe a good sized piece, but a piece nonetheless.)
You’re having sex, here. Not training for deep sea diving.
So remember that concept of being present.
While it’s incredibly helpful for applying pressure and understanding her levels, the macro version of that is knowing to focus on every aspect of her instead of this one, extracurricular activity.
Choking and Turning Her On With Trust (While Testing Boundaries)
If you’re still reading, you’re not only an expert on choking by now (lucky for all the ladies you’ll be sleeping with), you’ve also realized how fascinating this preference truly is.
Choking is a super interesting dive into the human heart and mind.
And guess what? Mind-blowing sex is all about understanding how women tick.
In other words, having really great sex means understanding how she’s thinking, what she’s feeling, and using that to make sure she has an absolutely unforgettable experience.
Want to really understand what makes choking hot?
Choking is really all about trust.
Remember in college, or at a new job, or whatever kind of club you might have joined, when they made you play trust games?
Maybe they had everyone stand in a circle, asked questions, and if the answer was yes, you had to step into the circle.
Or maybe you had to fall back into other people’s arms, and believe they would catch you.
Awkward, right? Scary! Thrilling! There’s a reason you remember those experiences.
These types of games are meant to bond people to each other.
They’re meant to make your experience with each other much more intense…
Exactly like choking.
When a woman asks you to choke her, she’s telling you: I trust you.
Even if she’s just met you, she’s decided you’re worthy of some level of trust.
A pretty high level, actually, since, let’s face it—you’re choking her.
And that’s pretty hot.
It can be a huge turn-on to decide you trust somebody. It can make the sexual experience much more intense.
The stakes are so much higher!
This isn’t just some dude who was sort of cute at the bar who she’s sort of boredly rubbing against.
You’ve leveled up in her mind when she asks you to choke her—or when you offer, and she says, honestly, yes.
She’s decided to play around with how much she trusts you, because it’s a huge turn-on for her, and maybe for you, too.
When she asks you to choke her, she’s acknowledging that you, my friend, are a dangerous fellow.
You’re choking her. You could overdo it. You have that power. But you won’t.
Just giving you the chance is an act of trust, and it’s also super hot to some women, since who doesn’t want to be with a guy who is just a little dangerous?
The more you understand choking—and how and why it turns some women on—the better you can play the role of bad boy.
You could hurt someone while choking them, but you never would. Both of you know this.
In fact, making sure consent and understanding is strong before you start experimenting with choking is super important.
She’ll be able to relax and let herself go, knowing she can trust you to stay within her limits and protect her.
And that will ensure she’s absolutely drooling over you.
Why wouldn’t she be?
Dangerous, but trustworthy.
The hottest combination.
The #1 Key to Having Amazing Sex That Keeps Her Coming Back For More…
And lastly, enjoy the moment.
Don’t let this become something that you’re stressing out about or you worry that you’ll get wrong.
To put such a degree of concern to it is a surefire way to overthink it.
Just as you’ve listened to her, she’s going to be listening to you.
She wouldn’t have trusted you with this if she wasn’t willing to learn with you. 🙂
Enjoy it and enjoy the sex that you’re having.
Well, that’s the ins-and-outs of it.
I know it's a lot, but I also know you'll do great if you keep everything I've covered in mind.
So if a woman does ask you to choke her during sex, now you know why and how.
Most guys don't know how to do this, so this gives you a huge leg up over your competition.
The Semi-Advanced “Deep Penetration Choke” For MAXIMUM Sexual Pleasure…
Once you have the basics of choking down…
Chances are the woman you're with will want you to try something a little bolder.
For example, this technique which I like to call the “Deep Penetration Choke”:
When you're in doggy style, reach down and choke her while you take her from behind… then put some pressure on her “Deep Spot” like this…
… and she's pretty likely to have a wild, gushing orgasm like she’s never felt before.
What's great about the “Deep Penetration Choke” is that when you dominate a woman in this way, you'll feel more sexual pleasure too (it's a win-win).
Which is why, if you want to take it even further… and give her the kinds of powerful, earth-shattering orgasms that she'll beg you for more of…
… then I highly recommend you check out this guide of 3 rough sex moves most women secretly crave.
You can use these moves at any time, with just about any woman, and in any situation…
… and even if it's your first time sleeping with her, or she seems shy or “vanilla”… these moves will unleash her inner nympho, and get her “addicted” to you sexually.
So check them out right here–you’ll love them:
P.S. If you’ve ever wanted to get into spanking, here’s the best way to do that too…
[Note: This post was updated by Gotham Club on June 3, 2022.]