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Maybe it’s the so-called, lasting taboo of the dominant and submissive relationship or the insecurity that many men hide behind, but the psychology around sexual dominance is one that’s never been talked about as much as it should be.
Hi, I'm Ruwando — a sex expert and sexual domination aficionado.
So as a sex expert myself, I want to make sure you understand the philosophy of sexual dominance so you can not only fill the role of a dominant in your relationship…
But also kick ass at it.
And keep in mind, you don't need to be in a long-term or committed relationship to use sexual dominance in the bedroom.
You can implement it on the first night you sleep with her…
Or even if you've been together for years — whether or not she's “kinky.”
In fact, I've found that some of the shiest, most “vanilla” women are actually very willing to open up in the bedroom.
So today, I'm going to show you exactly why women love being sexually dominated so much, and how you can do it with the next woman you're with.
What Does it Mean to Be “Dominant” in Bed?
Being dominant in bed has added a lot of excitement to my sex life — and it can add excitement to yours as well.
According to a recent poll, 85% of the people have engaged in some kind of light BDSM.
This is something most guys don’t think about, but the truth is that the dominant/submissive relationship occurs everywhere in your life:
With your friends…
With strangers in a cafe…
Or wherever you happen to go.
Anytime you take control of a situation — saying “No, I'll handle the spreadsheets and you can do the forms,” for example — is a time you're being dominant.
Sure, not all kinds of domination are sexual, but taking charge in your life is a good start.
Much like understanding how a successful business works, or how a coach interprets his playbook, being sexually dominant comes down to a basic understanding of a few simple “rules.”
Over the years, I've learned that there are 3 keys to help you be sexually dominant in the way you want.
Again, these keys help everyone involved and are incredibly enjoyable when handled right.
The #1 Reason Most Women Enjoy Being Dominated During Sex
Here’s more good news: Nearly every woman loves sexual dominance — it’s a huge part of positive sexuality.
Around 17 percent of women reported trying bondage. And a 2005 survey conducted by Durex reports that 36 percent of adults in the United States use masks, blindfolds, and bondage tools during sex, compared to 20 percent worldwide.
The main reason most women want to be dominated is cultural. Because more and more women are taking control of their day to day lives, and embracing their own sexualities…
It feels good for her to “let go” — otherwise known as being dominated.
On top of that, sexual dominance is a healthy way to open up communication between yourself and the woman you’re with.
If you've never experimented with sexual domination before, that's perfectly fine (and in fact, it's actually quite normal).
So with that in mind, I want to share three easy steps you can take to sexually dominate any woman into a mindblowing orgasm.
(Wanna know more about how to be the best she's ever had in bed? Just check this out.)
Beginning with step number one:
The first key to sexually dominating a woman is to get her approval. It's the gateway to open the lines of communication that you should be looking to achieve.
This is also one part where a lot of guys get confused.
A lot of guys believe that dominating a woman just means telling her what to do. But in reality, it's also about paying attention to her and fulfilling her wants and desires.
Thanks to movies like 50 Shades of Grey, most men go about sexual domination all wrong.
In fact, these kinds of movies play into male sexual fantasies, instead of the female sexual domination fantasy.
Sure, it's possible that being told what to do is a fantasy for some women…
But if you cut off her ability to introduce new ideas in the bedroom, then neither of you is going to have a good time.
So what should you do?
Be prepared to open those lines of communication.
Because the truth is, a lot of guys who want to be the dominant one in bed will shame their partner. They do this by rejecting her wants, either through their actions or even verbally.
For a woman, this is a huge red flag. It'll mess up the polarity of your relationship, and it kills intimacy like that.
If you’re denying her in the bedroom, her mind will definitely begin to wonder in what other areas of her life that you’ll also deny her.
For example, would you shake your head at her professional aspirations?
Would you deny her favorite post-night out slice of pizza?
Whether you're in a relationship with this woman, or it's just a fling, it's important to accept her wants and desires.
It Doesn’t End There…
If you really want to sexually excite her, it's important to accept her fantasies as they are. Be willing to explore with her — and if necessary, be prepared to jump out of your comfort zone.
Even if her fantasies or fetishes seem “out there” to you, try it at least once before shutting her down. Otherwise, she'll be less willing to indulge in your dirty fantasies.
Just like when you try new things in your life outside the bedroom, keep an open mind between the sheets as well.
That's a big key to mastering sexual dominance.
As the “dom,' you're taking care of the safe space so that she (the “sub”) can express herself in whatever crazy, orgasmic way that she wants.
So facilitate an approving, exciting space so that she can really let her inhibitions go wild.
Knowing that you've catered to your partner not only means that you'll be rewarded for it…
But you're also strengthening your emotional connection with her.
This kind of approval will set the tone for what's to follow — but know that you've got to do so with genuine effort.
That way she can really open up to you about her fantasies… like this naughty fantasy, for example.
From there, it's time for step two:
Communication is a big part of this next step as well: Listening.
Now that you've put your mind in the right state of understanding her needs and wants, it's important to actually listen to what she has to say.
She's taken the time to open up to you — maybe even about things she never imagined herself sharing. So be open with her, and pay attention.
Take the time to actually soak that information up. It's worth it.
If she wants to try something that you’ve never experienced, listen and roll with it.
Whether this is just a small tweak to the sex you’re already having, or a whole revamp to the way you engage in sex, be ready to give your feedback about that and hopefully move forward with it.
Another direct example of how you may need to listen to her has to do with her sexual limits.
Yes, she's expressed what she wants to you… but to what extent does she want it?
For many women, sexual exploration comes in increments. Baby steps.
The first time you explore a sexual fetish together, do so to a low degree.
This helps the two of you get a feel for this new and unexplored sexual pleasure.
So agree on a limit, and understand that it's the only way you can make progress in further explorations.
At the end of the day, sexual domination is not a “dive into the deep end” kind of thing…
So make sure you know when you're in deep enough, at least for now.
What Does It Really Mean to “Listen”?
But what exactly do I mean when I say “listen to her”?
There's more to listening than what you hear with your ears (although that's a very important aspect of mastering this practice).
You should listen to her physical signs of communication — this includes signs she's turned on, as well as the signs she's uncomfortable.
They’re always there, and in some ways more apparent than the words that she’s saying.
It’s a practice in really paying attention — paying attention to how her body’s responding to the touch of your own.
Pay attention to what works and what doesn’t.
Open your eyes and look for the signs — they'll be there.
Playing off of my previous example of discovering her limits and where they lie, a lot of understanding how to listen has to do with paying attention to her body.
She might not say when she loves something… but her body will show you.
If you're feeling a pull back, or an uncertainty with her movement, then react accordingly.
Maybe ease off whatever you’re focusing on, or focus somewhere else entirely.
Use your now-known method of verbal communication to ask the questions that’ll get you the right answers.
- “How’s that feel…?”
- “How are you feeling…?”
- “What about this…?”
Have you ever been in a situation where the other person is clearly not taking in the words you’re giving them?
You’re saying the words, and they may even be looking you in the eyes as you say them…
But you know without a doubt that they’re not listening to you.
It's important to give the woman you're with feedback, and listen to her feedback as well.
Feed off of it. Thrive off of it.
Direct her with your questions, while also keeping tabs on what her movements tell you.
Together, these forms of communication will allow you to figure out exactly what she feels and wants.
So open up your mind, and begin to hear what she's saying and doing. It takes practice, but eventually, you'll get the hang of it. 🙂
Both of you will learn as you go, and this will build your bond.
Don’t worry, you’ll learn as you go and she will too.
This is the best way to practice anything, so grow with each other.
Look and listen, my friend, look and listen.
The final key to mastering the art of sexual domination is to lead her the way she wants.
Think of yourself as the motivator, and so leading is your primary way of operating.
In the 50 Shades of Grey style of sexual dominance, this is at least one thing they manage to nail on the head.
But hold on — pump the brakes for a second.
To lead her doesn't just mean making her do things, and telling her what to do…
Whatever gets her aroused and feeling orgasmic, you’ve opened your willingness to get her there.
That brings us back to our first key (approval).
And you're also implementing your second key here — listening to her words and movements.
With a keen sense of observation, you'll note when her nipples respond a certain way, or when she giggles at the idea of a “taboo” topic.
Through this knowledge, begin to lead her.
If you've been paying attention to her needs, then she'll be turned on, and ready to do whatever you want her to. Trust me. 😉
Here’s an Example…
This is the most hands-on of the three keys, so let’s explore more in-depth.
In practice, let's say that you pick up on her desire for a healthy bit of aggression in the sack.
Maybe this fantasy is something she was too bashful to ever reveal to you…
But since you've been listening to her, you can then lead her into the sexual domination she's craving.
For example, pulling her hair or grabbing her isn't just a random act of aggression — it can also be a reaction to the sexual signs she's giving you.
You've made an educated guess that this is going to give her pleasure, and you've decided to act on it.
Well done, my friend.
The best way to make these “educated guesses” is to use research and previous experience to help inform your decisions.
Which is why Craig, the CEO of Gotham Club, spent years analyzing sex and dating studies. He did this to figure out the “best practices” you can use to get exactly what you want on a date or in bed.
What Women Really Want In a Man—and Why Becoming a Dom Can Get You There
Now that you’re starting to get what I’m saying…
…let’s acknowledge the fact that you’re in a tricky position.
The modern man has to walk the mean streets of life somewhere between the traditional roles of the genders.
You’ve got to strike the sweet spot between being the kind of guy women call a “Tool” and the kind of guy women call a “Pushover.”
And neither of these dudes is very successful in the bedroom.
The Tool might seem like an alpha, but in reality he’s insecure. He might try to boss women around and act like he’s the toughest dude in town.
But It’s clear pretty quickly that his toughness is fake.
And, let’s face it, with such bad people skills he probably isn’t having great sex.
He might act (and even look) like he does porn… But nothing kills the mood between the sheets like fronting.
She’ll be turned off by you right away if you don’t deliver on that Alpha promise…
The Pushover is just as bad. Even if she’s a confident, strong woman, she doesn’t want a man who lets her push him around.
That just isn’t hot.
And while the Pushover might luck out with a few strong-willed women in the bedroom, these encounters are sure to be short and unsatisfying.
She’s gonna get bored of a doormat really fast.
There is almost nothing less attractive to a woman than a guy who follows her around and expects her to make every decision—where to eat, what to do on the weekend, what sexual position to try tonight.
You might think being “nice” like this is the way to her bedroom and even her heart, but think again.
On the other hand, being bossy without taking her desires into account is just as big of a turnoff to women.
A guy who aggressively calls all the shots just looks insecure. In the end, he’s no different than the Pushover.
So. She doesn’t want a Tool. She doesn’t want a Pushover.
She wants a thoughtful Dom.
She wants confidence. On the streets, and between the sheets.
A confident man—and a good Dom in the bedroom—is totally fine with her choosing the restaurant, some of the time. That’s only fair. Plus, he’s confident enough to admit that sometimes he has no preference!
A confident man is totally fine with her taking the lead in bed if she’s feeling energetic and frisky.
But a confident man is also assertive.
Maybe she’s had a long day. You’ve decided to order sushi.
A confident man pays attention to her mood. Does she seem tired? Grab that menu. Order what you already know she likes. Maybe throw in something new as a surprise.
Don’t sit around and wait for her to do the work yet again, and also don’t bowl her over without paying attention to her preferences.
As it goes with sushi takeout, it goes in the bedroom.
Build your confidence, your listening skills, and cultivate balance in your life.
How to Implement Sexual Dominance Everywhere You Go (Even in Public!)
I already mentioned that sexual dominance can be found everywhere — even outside of actually having sex.
Maybe you've seen the bartender who tells the lone lady at the bar what she's going to drink… without asking her.
Or in the same vein, maybe you've seen a man order a drink for his date.
When you see someone being seemingly aggressive and dominant and you can tell that it's working, it's because he really paid attention to what she wanted.
Hopefully, this is the case more often than not — it's important to keep in mind that listening is one of the keys as well.
So if you're on a date, don't order her a red wine if you know she likes whiskey.
Earlier, I wrote about understanding limits — I can't emphasize this enough.
This philosophy should begin to evolve as you better understand your role as the “dom.”
And the last component of leading her is to pioneer into unexplored territory.
Does she like having her hair pulled? Pull her hair a little harder the next time you're in bed. Watch her reaction and respond accordingly.
Or maybe it's time to swoop her off of her feet in the middle of the afternoon and take her like your prize for some middle-of-the-day-sex.
Have you ever surprised her with a bouquet and a surprise dinner date?
Or maybe a message to let her know just how much she means to you?
How do these kinds of surprising acts usually go over?
Probably pretty well, I'm guessing.
So begin to translate these leading actions into the bedroom with the mindset that these sexual surprises will mean a lot to her.
In relationships, knowing where to go and what to do — without asking or being told — shows her that you've been listening and that you're the kind of man she wants in bed.
Now Put It All Together…
In a lot of relationships, one partner hides something from the other. For example, a lot of women are hesitant to open up about their dirty sexual fantasies.
A lot of that simply stems from her own reservations. It's not easy to open up to another person, regardless of how committed she is to you.
She might be afraid that you'll reject her idea, and nobody enjoys feeling rejected… especially when it comes to intimate subjects.
So break that pattern by simply following these steps.
At the end of the day, every man has the ability to be a good “dom.” However, you can't just jump into it right away.
Pros are considered pros because they've got the experience that comes with time-tested tricks. Trust me on this one.
And remember, these three keys span across all sorts of relationships.
You can start implementing these keys at any point in your relationship as well.
Whether it's the first time you're sleeping together or the hundredth, you can begin to put these three keys into practice at any point.
These keys are short and sweet:
Approve of her desires…
Listen to her words and physical signs…
And lead her to a mind-blowing orgasm.
Pretty short and sweet, isn't it?
These three simple steps will make sure you know exactly what you're doing. So run through them in your head a couple of times, and make sure you've got it down pat.
And remember — have fun! This is about your pleasure, too.
Is Sexual Domination Really This Easy?
Sexual domination doesn't have to be “taboo” or an off-limits conversation topic at a dinner party. In fact, more and more people are embracing it as “normal.”
As I've mentioned — and hopefully you'll agree — these keys to understanding the psychology of sexual dominance are just a hop and a skip away from understanding the psychology of relationships themselves.
As sex is such a huge part of meaningful relationships — both short-term and long-term — the concepts of approval and listening are imperative. They're absolutely necessary for the non-sexual parts of engaging and communication with the woman you're with.
Never forget that, and you're golden.
Sex should be exciting for both of you, even if that means you have to work a little harder to fully communicate with her.
Because the truth is, sexual dominance (and the psychology behind it) can be difficult to understand if you don't fully grasp the principles behind it.
A lot of men fail to fill the role of the “dom” simply because they don't have the necessary knowledge and practice.
So after following through with these keys, you'll unlock her naughtiest sexual desires… and be the best she's ever had. Point blank.
But are there any specific moves you can use to take her over the edge while you're sexually dominating her?
Is there a specific kind of rough sex every woman responds to, for example?
The truth is, no one touch is going to appeal to every single woman…
But in my experience, there are a few rough sex moves that almost every woman responds to…
And here's what they are:
3 Rough Sex Moves to Take Things to the Next Level…
Click on the move you wanna know more about below…
1) The Dominant Hand-Hold: Not a tender, “holding hands in the park” move… this is something you can use to take your dominance up a notch… you can check it out here.
2) The S&M Spank: Once her inhibitions are gone, you’d be surprised how many women will ask you to hit them. Start out by spanking her like this… she'll beg you for more.
3) The Goldilocks Choke: This move’s a little more advanced… but it's the quickest way to give her a toe-curling orgasm she'll never forget. For maximum sexual pleasure, try doing this while you choke her.
P.S. For some “naughtier” moves she’ll love… you can skip right to this…
[Note: This post was updated by Gotham Club on March 18, 2020.]