Comedian Aziz Ansari and Dr. Eric Klinenberg, Professor of Sociology at New York University, organized hundreds of focus groups to decipher the modern dating landscape. When they asked the focus groups about their personal texts, they found that participants unanimously agreed that the “hey” text is a bad idea. And according to one recent study, co-authored by Aziz Anzari, you should never text a woman “Hey.”
The study notes:
Want to know what’s filling up the phones of nearly every single woman?
Knowing how to start a text conversation with a girl starts with the 3 major issues you face when you text a woman, “Hey.”
1) It’s Open-Ended
When you text a girl “hey,” sure you’re being casual and friendly…but you’re also not really saying anything. She knows you don’t want to just say “Hi,” so she’ll be left wondering what exactly it is that you want.
2) It Requires ZERO Commitment
When a girl sees that you text her “Hey,” she could think that you’re just texting her to keep your options open.
Because “Hey” doesn’t suggest any plans…it doesn’t require any effort…and it doesn’t accomplish anything other than letting her know you’re still alive.
So because she doesn’t see anything specific, she might actually feel insulted by a “Hey” text.
Even if you’re just trying to be friendly, most women will view a simple “Hey” as a sign that a guy isn’t into them — it’s true!
And when your text is floating out there with dozens of other similar text conversation starters from guys, it’s definitely not going to stand out.
3) It’s Frustrating (For Her)
“Hey” is frustrating because it wastes a woman’s time. She sees “Hey” and thinks, “OK…so what??? Hi???”
Texting requires a purpose — it’s purposeful communication. And because we all have so many distractions on our phones, the time you spend texting should be used wisely. They don’t want to get stuck in a boring conversation.
So what CAN you do other than say “Hey”?
Well, before I give you specific phrases, the first thing we need to consider is your purpose for texting her.
What Your First Text to a Girl Should Accomplish…
Sending your first text to a girl should get the ball rolling towards the result you eventually want, so your goal with the first text you send should be to get her to agree to see you (again).
Women like planning things in advance, so your best bet is to suggest something between four and six days from when you text her.
Now that you have your foundation, I want to show you the clear, concise text conversation starters that make her feel tingly and excited (or even completely obsessed) without making you look overeager.
1) “Hey, it’s that really charming, irresistible guy from last night”
Send a woman this, and she’ll start grinning from ear to ear. She’ll immediately get a sense of your playful side, and she’ll associate you with the words “charming” and “irresistible.”
This accomplishes two things: It invites her to flirt back with you and it shows her you aren’t desperate for women.
Women hate men who look desperate, so by calling yourself “charming” and “irresistible” you’re showing her that you’re willing to risk looking foolish (if she finds you neither charming nor irresistible) just to make her laugh.
When she flirts back, you could send her text number two…
2) “How’s your week looking? Let’s grab a drink”
This is a more direct approach, but it’s just as effective if text number one isn’t your style.
When you ask how her week is looking, rather than how her day is going, you’re implying that you want to make plans later in the week — not that same day.
Try making plans with a girl in the same day or that night, and you’re giving her an immediate out to say that this is too last minute for her. And when you say “grab a drink,” you’re implying something casual.
She’ll be much more likely to say yes to a quick drink than she will to dinner plans — the lower the time commitment, the higher the chances are she’ll agree to it.
3) “Hey, how was that [insert something specific she mentioned when you met her]?”
This is one of those text conversation starters that doesn’t immediately suggest a date, but it does show her that you listened when you met her.
So if she mentioned a test…
Her cat’s annual vet visit…
Your first text to a girl is the time to bring it up.
You can also use this text to remind her of how she felt when she met you — and that can help build your emotional connection with her.
(Remember, if she’s going to eventually go home with you, she has to feel an emotional connection.)
The more specific you get with what you mention, the higher the likelihood she’ll respond and continue the conversation.
Women often go radio silent over text because the messages they get are too generic. So when you’re thinking about how to text a girl for the first time, think about setting the tone for the rest of the conversation.
4) “You can stop worrying about me — I made it home safely last night”
Here’s another one that will get a lot of laughs.
“But won’t I come off as needy or clingy?”
I understand why it looks that way, but the truth is that you’re flipping the gender roles a bit — and that shows her you can make fun of yourself.
Again, this accomplishes two things: It shows her you’re not desperate and it invites her to flirt back in a playful way.
By framing yourself as a vulnerable person who might not make it home safely, you’re emasculating yourself — something women assume desperate men would never do.
And this is the kind of “emasculation” that will actually make her like you more — trust me.
5) “I heard you met a really awesome guy [insert time of day when you met, e.g. ‘last night’] — I’m OK, thanks”
Finally, this opener is a bit of a combination of opener numbers one and four. Here, you’re reminding her that you are the awesome guy she met and you’re making her laugh when you say “I’m OK, thanks.”
This woman has already met you, so she knows you’re a man who can take care of himself.
By sending her a joke like this, you again create a playful vibe that invites her to flirt back and will make her feel comfortable.
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