There’s Only One Sure Way to Do It…
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
It’s the Golden Rule. But what if it’s dead wrong?
I’ll explain HOW it’s wrong in a little bit.
Before I do, if you’ve seen me speak live, then you’ve heard me say, “Reward Good Behavior, Ignore Bad Behavior.”
As I watch people screw this advice up all the time, I’ve realized something strange.
Now, it’s not my fault when my students can’t seem to ignore Bad Behavior and instead reward it (leaning in, getting closer or just plain continuing to compliment when she’s turning her back or being rude, for example).
Here’s Where I Take the Blame
It’s TOTALLY my fault, however, when they don’t Reward Good Behavior correctly.
Well, it’s not totally my fault, but I think I can safely shoulder some of the blame.
Why? Well, I’ve made pretty clear what to do with Bad Behavior:
Ignore it.
Pretend it never happened. Don’t punish, don’t call it out, don’t try to change her mind by behaving better, just pretend it didn’t happen. IGNORE.
But what do I mean when I say “Reward Good Behavior?”
What’s “Good Behavior,” anyway?
What’s “Reward” mean in this situation?
Let’s take a look.
What Kinds of Behavior Should You Reward?
Good Behavior by women falls, like everything else in social interactions, in a range.
It ranges from listening…
…to smiling…
…to laughing…
…to enjoying what you’re saying…
…to saying she likes you…
…to acting like she likes you…
…to telling her friends she likes you…
…all the way to her coming home with you…
…and doing whatever you tell her to in the bedroom.
Good Behavior is when she is doing what you want, helping you do what you want, complying, and in any way beginning the inexorable climb up that hill from “I-don’t-know-you” to “I-want-you-desperately.”
Did you notice anything uncertain in there?
If you’re sharp you caught it:
“…doing what you want, helping you do what you want….”
Whoops! That’s Where I Lose them.
Now we’ll talk another time about helping her to build that momentum. In fact, I should say going DOWN that hill, since momentum means that the further down she goes, the harder it is to stop moving and the more she accelerates.
But let’s stay on-topic: what is good behavior to you? What do you want?
For a lot of guys it’s when she acts sexual.
For most guys it’s when she acts interested.
Of course most guys like it when she does those two things, and you can add “laughs at his jokes” in there too, but what about when she talks emotionally?
What about when she sings or when she straightens her hair?
What about when she dresses like a Goth or a Dominatrix or a Naughty Schoolgirl?
What about when she acts ditzy?
You have your own preferences, as do I. Good behavior is when she is doing what you want. When she is doing what *YOU* want. Get it?
I like classy people and things, for example, so trashy behavior is BAD behavior to me. Some other guys love it.
As a side note, that doesn’t mean that Bad Behavior is when she is NOT doing what you want.
But since you should be IGNORING bad behavior anyway, it should be fine if you don’t know that. (If you want to know why you should ignore bad behavior – rather than punish, for example – I’ll cover that in future articles).
Good Behavior, however, should be rewarded. You want to increase the likelihood that she does MORE of what you want.
“So What Do You Mean By ‘Reward’?”
Now comes the real rub, as Hamlet would say.
What is “Reward?” What does that mean? Do I mean give her gifts? Buy her a drink? Compliment her? Touch her?
That brings us to the 2nd biggest mistake men make as far as women are concerned:
Women like MEN. Men normally tend to reward women by doing what THEY would like as a reward as men.
They follow the golden rule. The problem is, the Golden Rule is wrong!
Do WHAT unto others?
The Golden Rule says to do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and it’s true in the broadest sense.
Women want pleasure and not pain; they want love and not hate; they want food and air and money rather than starvation, asphyxiation or poverty.
Sure. Reciprocity, as it were: everyone wants – in a pretty general sense – the basic same GOOD.
Individuals’ wants, though, vary wildly. Men tend to “do unto women” as they would like WOMEN to DO UNTO THEM.
Oh no.
That is the BIGGEST mistake men make, and in fact, what I said was the biggest mistake last week – complimenting her, is really just the most common, most egregious and most fixable version of THIS mistake.
Men LOVE compliments. In fact, I just heard Derek Halpern – a brilliant Internet Maven – say in a talk, “Everyone loves compliments, right?”
Ha ha ha – if you fell for that, then you didn’t read my column last week – hit yourself with a rolled up newspaper. (Of course Halpern’s context was different, and his error forgivable).
Men love compliments so much – men LOVE to be ADMIRED – that they shower a woman with compliments, with ZERO regard as to whether or not it will actually be perceived as a reward.
Women are NOT men. While women will be turned on when you act like she’s a guy, that’s NOT because she likes what guys like, it’s for the EXACTLY opposite reason!
Wait, What?
You still with me? Yes, I’m saying that women LIKE when a guy treats her like a guy because she is NOT like a guy. Huh? Keep reading.
If you treat a woman like you treat guys – joking, teasing, ignoring, NOT trying to impress her or compliment her – NEVER complimenting her looks – she LIKES you.
A woman LIKES when you are NOT trying to kiss her ass.
(How often do you tell your buddy how beautiful his eyes are, or how his body is making you crazy?)
She likes when you are NOT putting her on a pedestal or making her too important.
This makes her WANT you to compliment and fawn over her.
Yes, that’s compliments: if you DO, she don’t want it, if you DON’T she does!
And most importantly: when she wants it, she likes you.
When she wants it, not when she gets it.
Got it?
Good.
So What IS Reward?
Don’t misunderstand. Reward is NOT treating her like a guy – although that makes her WANT the reward, and increases her interest, especially if you are showing interest.
Wait. Didn’t I just say DON’T show interest?
No. I said “don’t kiss her ass.” Don’t TELL her you’re interested.
Your goal is for her to think to herself, “I KNOW, I just KNOW he likes me, HOW can I get him to SAY IT?! How can I PROVE it?”
“So…Um…What is Reward Again?”
Okay, okay. The truth is, YOU have to pay attention to THIS girl, because her reward is specific to her. What makes her do more of what you want? What makes her do less?
But there are some things that are considered rewards for every interaction.
The One “Sure Way” to Reward a Woman
It’s quite simple: Escalate.
If escalation doesn’t seem to work, it’s usually because you are moving too fast, but review my earlier post on bookmarking.
Whether or not escalating pleases her, it HAS to happen at some point, right?
I mean you do NOT want to keep going over to fix her computer or hook up her TV while she tells you about the well-hung guy that rails her and won’t call, do you?
It may not be HER favorite, but it is the best way to quantify your reward: move up the ladder.
She gives you full body language (that means her chest is facing you – not talking about her breasts here, I just mean the North of her body is lined up with you)…you should face her.
She’s looking down each time you talk, with a little smile…you keep warm eye contact while you speak.
She laughs…you lean in and touch her arm as you finish the joke.
She’s touching you back? “You have to meet my friend.”
A Preview of My Foolproof First Date Escalation Plan…
When I describe my first date plan in full detail in the coming weeks, you’ll get another example of rewarding with escalation.
But here’s a little preview to tide you over for now:
You’re sitting in a place that serves coffee and alcohol, perhaps dim and comfortable, but not dark or loud.
She’s laughing at your jokes.
You have NOT made plans for dinner with her, even though you have secretly made a reservation somewhere you like, preferably a busy place where reservations are needed, where they know you and treat you like you are important.
“You’ve got a good sense of humor. You hungry?”
“I love the way you phrase things. Have you eaten?”
“Woah. You’re good.* I can’t believe I’ve been sitting here so long! You have time to get a bite?”
Next time I’ll go over yet ANOTHER result of Men thinking Women like WOMEN.
* I’d even replace “You’re good” with “What did you put in my drink?”
