“I do” Is Not “The End”
This past weekend I was very happy to come across this article.
It’s a piece, written by a woman (Natalie Brooke), acknowledging that marriage should not be considered an accomplishment by women.
Unfortunately, her article is mainly about why women should not view marriage as an accomplishment because they are so awesome, amazing and incredible in other areas of their lives too!
As Ms. Brooke says…
My frustration is this: It is 2016 and being popped the question is still more celebrated than academic and professional pursuits of women. Yes, college graduations and landing a great career and receiving wonderful promotions are all received with happiness from friends and family, but not even close to the same level of elation received when you announce that you are getting hitched.
I guess this is an article for successful women who need their egos built up?
Further, the author just got engaged. What a cop out. I guess it’s easy to write about how marriage “isn’t that great” when you were just popped the question. I guess she didn’t have the interest in writing this three months ago?
The Big Issue Being Avoided Here…
Regardless, there is a very big issue skirted by this article that leaves me fairly upset.
First, yes, I agree that marriage should not be viewed an accomplishment.
However, the reason for that is where I differ, and is not because women are so damn smart and successful in other areas of their lives.
It’s because marriage should be about two people loving each other, not checking things of your “J Crew Life” bucket list.
It’s an amazing thing to be in love with someone. It can be the most meaningful relationship you ever have with another person.
But it absolutely should not become just another checkpoint on the path to your “perfect dream life” that you’ve built up in your imagination.
Marriage is not about a ring, it’s not about getting to have kids (without being shamed by society for it) and it’s not about achieving a dream you saw in a magazine, TV show or decade-old Disney movie.
It’s about two people falling in love. It’s amazing, it’s incredible, it feels great…
…and it’s not an accomplishment.
As Ms. Brooke puts it…
“You don’t have to have a brain, drive or special skill set to get married. You just have to have a willing partner.”
I agree.
Marriage Is, Indeed, Not An Accomplishment…
And marriage is about honoring the love between two people – past, present and future.
It’s a way to verbally, symbolically and ceremonially show each other your mutual respect, and to cement the relationship as it’s own unique entity.
It should absolutely be celebrated.
Unfortunately, rarely have the marriages I’ve attended lately been about the love between two people.
More often than not, the wedding day is her day. And most men are absolutely fine with that. The typical wedding template doesn’t jive with most guys. He probably doesn’t want to spend his time picking out the cake or the silverware or the flower arrangements. He is happy to give her this day because it makes her happy, and he loves to see her happy.
But I have to be honest, this always left me a little sad.
While it’s a nice gesture, and great to see a woman really happy, it leaves me sad because the event is not an equally footed celebration of love between two people. It’s mostly focused on the bride and, in my opinion, it gets a little carried away. Everyone knows it’s her day. She needs photos, she needs to look great, everything must be setup just right!
And yet all that draws attention from the man and away from the love as a whole.
Our “Checklist Culture”
The event, while often fun and spectacular, has the underlying context of a very big box being checked on her to-do list, a list filled with other items like:
- Find a guy
- Get engaged
- Get married
- Get a house
- Have kid #1
- Have kid #2…
(And just as a side note, men get equally caught up in their own checklists and their shortsightedness definitely impacts relationships as well, but that’s another conversation altogether.)
And yes, since someone always says it these days: I’m speaking generally. Not ALL women and not ALL men act exactly like this.
I think I’ve made my point, so…
Here’s The Last Thing I’d Like To Say…
Everything that I’ve written here today, all the views and opinions – don’t ever tell a woman this, at least not using the language I’ve used.
This is a safe place to express ideas between men, but trying to convince a twenty-something girl that her perfect life is not going to play out exactly how she wants it is never going to go well, especially if you’re older than her.
Younger women (and men too) rarely take advice from older people. They don’t want to hear it. You don’t know better than them. All those books by older women to the “younger generation” are collecting dust on Barnes and Noble bookshelves.
Remember, your life is your responsibility.
If you want to get married, you are the only one who is truly going to be responsible for your happiness.
If you want to get married, you are going to need to think ahead and make sure it’s the right decision.
You’re going to need to think for both people involved, because there is often the chance that the other person is not thinking for you, or at all.
In relationships, anything can happen at any moment. The future is never certain. By keeping a well thought out perspective and an open mind, you can keep yourself mentally prepared for what will come.
By taking complete ownership and responsibility for your actions, you can save yourself a great deal of pain and suffering if things do not go the way you want down the road– which is entirely a possibility and often a likelihood.
Knowledge is power, so use it.
