How to Start Talking to a Girl Has Never Been Easier
When a guy talks to an unknown woman, he often does so because he feels that it’s not difficult in this situation because of something: “Well, of course I can in this case because x, y z. Anyone could approach in this case.”
What are those cases? What is he counting on?
Simply put:
1) The Situation;
2) The Other;
3) The Words;
4) The State;
5) The Self.
I’m going to spread these out over the next few articles.
Although some guys feel at this point – “Come on!? Don’t hold out on me! This is the stuff I need so I can start talking to girls!”
I don’t believe you.
Last week I told you to say “hi.” The discussion on “Being Willing” is really all you need to start talking to a girl.
The reason I want to spread this out is so that you have time (day after day and week after week) to do something.
Once we start getting into actual things to say and ways to respond or react to the things people do, you’ll need live ammo. If you haven’t been talking to anyone, the information will be more and more useless.
It would be like reading a book on slam dunks. Until you jump up to the backboard with a basketball in your hand, there’s only so far you can go. There’s a “value ceiling.”
I’ll be giving you good stuff (“Gold, Jerry! Gold!”). At the beginning, you might like the ideas. Some will seem viable or even brilliant.
If you don’t try anything, however, you will get diminished returns from reading it. I’m going to try to make it easier and easier to actually try something so that there’s more and more value from the ideas you hear. I need you to help me though.
Help me help you.
So let’s start.
Use Your Situation to Break Down Barriers
The first level of trust – the “easiest to approximate” thing that a guy relies on when he approaches a woman he doesn’t know – is the situation. I can give you several examples:
- She’s looking at me – I think she likes me!
- I’ve got access to the bartender and she needs a drink.
- She’s in a bar – I can buy her a drink!
- I work here! I am the bartender.
- She works here. She is the bartender.
- She’s a friend of my friend! Social circle.
- OMG – we’re holding the same magazine!
- I think I know her!
Now, some of those are not great even when they’re true, and certainly shouldn’t be simulated, but I hope you noticed that the last three are just thoughts.
You can easily simulate “We have that in common and I think I know you.” Social circle, too.
We’re going to quietly go over some simulated situations, but I want you to remember the reason I’m doing this before you begin creeping girls out.
It’s not because the situation convinces the girl!
It’s because the situation convinces you!
What am I saying? What does this mean?
I’m saying, you don’t need to convince her of the situation, nor can you count on the situation – real or pretend – to do the work of making her comfortable.
Rather, act as if. If you believe or act like you believe the situation to be ok, then it is. You don’t need to convince her that you believe it either – that’s not the point! It is the feeling you have that it’s ok. That’s all.
“I know you.”
This is a favorite, because it promotes a few really important features of the first meeting:
1) ‘I know you and like you’ means you have the right mood: friendly, I like you, I recognize you. When you look at her, she should think that you know her, and that she should know you.
2) You can’t look at her all night and then pretend you recognize her, because if you recognized this girl, you’d have said something immediately! It’s got to be 3-second rule, which we’ll talk about much later.
3) You are not trying to have a conversation – because you don’t know her. You are only checking – “Hey – Marianne?” When she says no, you can start to pull away. Wait for her to tell you yes, no or maybe.
“Why – who’s Marianne?” and she’s got a big smile.
Step closer as you say – “Well, you have her warm smile” or “You’re obviously not her – she has that same look of trouble, but” and smile here, “you are so much easier to talk to.”
“We have this in common…”
You can find the thing that gives you the excuse to say hi. It is not, mind you, an excuse to have a conversation, but it does justify a “hey:” “Can I ask you – how do you like that (book, dog, car, umbrella, bicycle, etc.)
Your goal will be to get out of this conversation, not into it, but for now, these are good excuses to ask a question or make a comment.
When you actually find something in common, you may find it makes you feel more willing. In addition, you will actually be paying attention, which is important, and could be effective.
I am the bartender!
No, I’m not – at all – asking you to pretend anything. You can act with the same motivation as the staff – and in fact, I prefer the motivation of the owner: I want everyone to have a good time in my place. There’s a difference: if you have the same motivation as the staff, it’s not “pretending.”
In other words, if you legitimately want everyone to have a good time at your place, then you aren’t pretending.
Let me give you an example: I have opened in a restaurant with, “How was everything?” and that (eventually) closed to “the full monty.” Notice, it is a combination of, “I work here, I have a right to ask” and “I have high status.”
Also notice it’s very different from just pretending outright, “Hey, I’m the owner of this place.” That’s trying to convey high status with low quality.
Can you please try any of these this week? Use the actual situation – or engineer the situation; or rework the situation; or look at the situation through new eyes for a reason to say something.
And Once You Go Out and Try It, Here Are the Next Steps…
When you’re out and about, the easiest way to know which women to approach is to know the 7 Hidden Signs She Likes You (Even If She’s Not Talking to You At All Right Now). Craig put it together, so you know it’s on-point.
It’s how guys like Craig and I can know which women are really interested in us even before we say a word to them. You know what that means? Less rejection and faster results with them.
