Is She Hot and Cold? Why That's a Good Thing… And How to Crack the Female Flirting Code
“What the hell? Why is she practically giving me a lap dance one minute, and then shooting ice daggers with her eyes the next?”
My best guy friend asked me this last week…
And it’s not the first (or the hundredth) time I’ve heard this question.
It’s no secret that some women run hot and cold, especially when dealing with guys they actually want to bang.
Well, instead of spreading the gospel one guy at a time, I am going to let you all in on the little secret about why women do this — and what you can do about it…
As a woman, I know that men get frustrated with our hot and cold behavior.
But what most men don’t realize is that this behavior is not in retaliation to anything negative they are doing.
In fact, as women, sometimes we just can’t help it. It’s in our blood.
However, there are ways for men to help alleviate this confusing behavior, and in turn, make their woman feel appreciated, loved, and understood.
I’m going to start with the “Why she’s so cold…”
And then I’ll get to how to turn her temperature WAY up… and get her really hot for you…
Why Is She So Hot and Cold?
In the dating world, women are encouraged to play hard-to-get.
They think that men want to experience the thrill of the chase. Now, that’s accurate to some extent, a good chase can help amp up the sexual tension, leading to even more pleasure during playtime.
But men don’t want to be constantly toyed with in order to get a little loving from their partners…
But women have internalized the message that they shouldn’t act on their own sexual desires… which helps exactly no one…
Where do women learn this? Every woman I know has at some point been “slut-shamed.” (Statistically, over 50% of women surveyed admit to it…) It’s not fun, so women learn early not to act as if they want sex…
That’s why it’s normal for women to shy away or act coldly towards sexual advances and hold back from making advances on their partners.
Another reason women tend to act hot and cold is that they want to be in control of the relationship dynamic.
Psychologist and certified sex therapist Dr. Kristin Zeising, explains the hot and cold game that women like to play in order to remain on top, “Most of the time, they are trying to have control in the relationship because they don’t want to get hurt.. In the ‘hot’ phase, you feel attention and attraction and it can feel intense. Then comes the ‘cold’ phase when they pull away, making you crave their attention and yearn for them.”
So, now that you know that it’s not anything you’re doing (well probably…), here’s what you can do to help her let out the freak inside of her and make her feel secure in the relationship:
You Need to: Make Her Feel Safe
It’s important that your relationship is a safe haven for your girl.
When a woman feels safe, she is more apt to open up and be vulnerable with you in all areas of your relationship — This will definitely lead to some intense and very connected sex, if you let it.
Making her feel safe isn’t as hard as you may think it is.
You don’t have to look like Hercules, carry a sword, or wear a badge.
All you have to do is have respect for her.
When you make it clear that you respect her boundaries, she will start to feel comfortable letting her walls down around you, which is a win-win for everyone…
AND: Make Her Feel Loved
Making her feel loved is a subset of making her feel safe.
When she feels loved, and secure in the relationship, she won’t feel the need to be in control.
In fact, she will feel confident to be herself and let you know what she is feeling and when she’s feeling it, which is great when she wants to jump your bones…
The trick to making her feel loved is to learn what love language she speaks.
The five love languages are acts of service, words of affirmation, gift-giving, quality time, and physical touch.
If your girl loves words of affirmation, try giving her sweet compliments when she isn’t expecting them.
Or if she likes to receive gifts, then a bouquet of flowers of a box of chocolates when you meet her for a date could make her feel like a queen…
Then: Get Her Excited…
Now it gets fun…
After you help her quit the hot and cold game she’s been playing by making her feel safe and loved, now is the time to take advantage of the benefits of your hard work.
Once she feels secure, happy, appreciated, and sexy in the relationship, it’s time to get her excited and help her to explore her most hidden fantasies…
A discussion about the things she’s always wanted to try, but never had the guts to do, before jumping into the sack will help create tension and heighten the intensity of the experience.
It will also help her to let go and go with the flow…
Be sure to continue to make her feel safe while actively exploring by checking in with her and taking notice of her reactions to your actions.
It’s also important to let her know that her pleasure is your priority…
Cracking The Female Flirting Code
I’m going to level with you…
We’re all taught things — whether it’s from a well meaning parent, or friend, or things we pick up from the movies — that just don’t work.
I can’t tell you how many guys have hit on me using some tired PUA line they obviously memorized that some friend told them always works.
Well… it doesn’t…
Women can tell when guys are using rehearsed lines.
At best I’ll laugh, but I’m not going home with that guy.
Point being — you guys learn a LOT of stuff that doesn’t work.
But us girls, we get dating and relationships wrong too!
In fact, we take “getting it wrong” to a whole new level!
Those sleepovers in high school — We weren’t practicing making out with each other… (at least not always…)
But as an adult, I've learned what we all told each other is dead wrong.
And it means that more often than not, we confuse you guys… and everyone ends up alone!
I guarantee you there have been women in your life who were trying to flirt, but did a horrible job, and you had no idea she was into you… because yes… women tend to be a lot worse at flirting than men.
That’s why I’m going to rat out my own sex and tell you the stupid things we’ve learned…
AND how you can work around it to get the girl you really want (because she really wants you, too! She’s just playing these games she was taught…)