How to Stop Procrastinating in Your Dating Life
You’ve probably taken the obvious cue from last week’s post about how powerfully damaging it can be to worry yourself with “What Went Wrong” or “What’s Going Wrong” or “What Can Go Wrong?”
If you got the impression that we were going to finish with and move on from mistakes, you’re right.
We’re going to go over one last thing first, however, because it is what needs to be addressed before moving on:
“I’d Gladly Pay Tuesday for a Hamburger Today”
Unfortunately, when it’s difficult to do something, we tend to put it off. We procrastinate, especially when it comes to trying to get better with women.
A lot of times, we just pause and wait and hold off and back down. This isn’t so bad, since getting in a relationship isn’t like starting a business – it’s easier and doesn’t require as much sustained effort.
There are problems though with this kind of procrastination, and I’d like to clear up exactly how to stop procrastinating in your dating life before we start on the ‘what to dos’ because these are the things that get in the way of progress.
Urgency + Desire + Expected Reward + Ease = Action
I just made this metaphorical formula up, so cut me some slack if it’s shaky. I like it, though, so I’ll keep on working on it to get even more value.
The point is, there are things you want to do to fix this area in your life, and you’ll put them off unless they’re Easy, and/or the Reward is Really Strong or the Pressure (Urgency + Desire) climbs too high to ignore.
What does that mean? Unfortunately it means a few things that will get in our way.
Before I Explain My Equation, Here’s the Tough Truth…
Let me back up for a minute to give you the big picture again.
The reason we are discussing these ‘mistakes’ is that I’ve got great tips and strategies and methods for you, but I’d like you to see steady progress.
I want you to feel great the next time you make an honest effort to do what I’ve recommended. The things I’ve outlined as big mistakes are the things that immediately impede that progress and – more importantly – ruin your momentum.
Last week’s topic – basically expecting, noticing, and reviewing the mistakes you’re making – is the final problem because it takes what should be “our win” (yours AND mine) and turns it into “our loss.”
Can you see how that can happen?
“You know. David’s got a good point. I’m going to say something to that girl that’s smiling at me. Yeah… Wow! It worked! She’s talking to me. She’s getting bored though. I’m losing her. She’s going to say– There it goes. And b’bye. Great. That was stupid. David’s a jerk.”
Do you think you feel better or worse when you first take action on a new plan?
Well, it’s a trick question.
The truth is, if you expect, notice, and review your mistakes, you usually feel worse, much worse.
If you expect, notice and review the wins, you can feel better and better.
I need you to feel good. Experience has shown me that even if I give you actual magic spells that hypnotize women and Jean-Baptiste Grenouille’s perfume to make everyone love you, if you feel bad every time you use them, you’ll use them less and less and blame them (and me) for your lack of success.
Not only that, but (because the magic spells and perfume are so powerful) you will eventually see great results, if only much later than you could, but you won’t give me any of the credit, and you’ll say, “I don’t know why I bothered with David’s advice, since this stuff happens naturally…and David’s a jerk!”
The Final Stumbling Block Keeping You From Happiness
So returning to the present: how to stop procrastinating and my little formula. Why is this the final stumbling block?
What I see happen over and over again is a guy who wants change comes to NY Dating Coach. He perhaps didn’t want or expect to have to do this much work: “Body language and vocal tonality and mindset and yada yada yada…I know that guy’s attractive, but I wanted to be attractive without being him!”
He’s already committed, though, so I get him once a week and he starts to see and feel a difference. Not as big of a difference as he could, mind you; he puts off things each step of the way. When it comes time to put skin in the game, it’s a little here, and a little there.
To him, it feels like this: “Well, it’s new, so I don’t do as much as I should. I do a little bit, maybe once a week or so.”
No. You don’t.
Instead you avoid it like herpes. You have opportunities to try something out every day.
Every day you can say, “Hi.”
Every day you can smile at a potential friend.
Instead you think or fantasize about doing those things…
…and then watch Californication or Porn.
(Incredibly, I’ve actually had a guy use a scene in a pornographic video as an example of the way women and men interact!)
Imagining what it might look like if you tried is sufficient for you so you do nothing.
Urgency + Desire + Expected Reward + Ease = Action
Look at the formula though! You do nothing until maybe the girl is too hot to ignore (Desire). Or perhaps your Urgency starts to climb – for some guys, it’s a certain birthday with a zero or a five; for others it’s their brother’s upcoming wedding. Something can make you suddenly feel like, “I have to!”
Maybe it’s Easy. She works with you. It’s a client that’s flirting with you. It’s your sister’s friend. It’s your ex-girlfriend.
Or – and this is one I’m most afraid of –the Expected Reward changes.
You’ve talked to this girl several times and you just know that you guys would hit it off. If you could just get over the tiny hump of making a move, you’ll be walking down the aisle or relaxing on an isle in no time.
So boom! You say something. You try that, “What was it? What did Craig say? I like your style?” You try “something.”
You crash and burn; blazes of glory. Boldness by itself somehow doesn’t make you smooth or skillful.
Well, crashes are inevitable. You’re going to go down some. Laugh about it and move on.
But wait–you still have that wedding to go to…and she was so hot…and oh my god you could lose your job for hitting on the client…and you’re going to have to see her every day at work…and this could have been the woman you marry.
This was the best you’ve felt about a girl since Mary, five years ago. This is the first time you forgot her. This is the first time you stuck your leathery head out of your shell and took a chance and this is what you got!
David’s a jerk!
The Way Through It All…
So that’s a little cautionary tale… I’ve seen this play out so many times, and trust me:
You will get better.
You will get better and better and then good.
You can’t creep your way to fix creepy, and you can’t coward your way out of cowardice, but you will get better with women.
I’ll do my best to make everything so easy that it will be easy to take “a little action.” Please take it though. The tiniest bit every day will be so much more effective than a big brash bold effort when you can’t avoid it any more–after you’ve procrastinated too long and you simply must.
I want – even more than you – to see you succeed, and I’ll do everything in my power to encourage that.
Help me help you.
